What do you do in this case? My solution: double fisting.
In between losing my phone and losing my keys, I fell victim to the Steam sale. Nothing grand because honestly, I already own quite a few of those games for consoles. I picked a few smaller games: Ben There, Dan That!; Costume Quest; Dear Esther; Stacking; Time Gentlemen, Please!; and The Tiny Bang Story.
The Tiny Bang Story
Before I even started drinking, I think I finished The Tiny Bang Story. Think as in I'm not exactly certain. As a gamer, I need closure. I need those rolling titles and the possibility of an ending cutscene (a gift for those who are patient and can wait without mashing buttons). I didn't get that with The Tiny Bang Story. The puzzles are fun but not so difficult that I needed to peek at a guide. Everything is pretty intuitive with the controls (click click click, motherfucker). I'd give this a 4/5 because it calmed the angry drunk within me.
After I lost my keys, the angry drunk needed to escape. I'm writing this as I'm playing Dear Esther. I'm double fisting (see picture above), I'm unhappy, and I'm gaming. Having decided I have too much ADD for "Time Gentlmen, Please!", I moved onto Dear Esther. So far, I'm distracted by every single piece of litter I find on the island. But hey, I found the chemical structure for CH3CH2OH. Or at least that's what how I think it should be written (and if I could subscript the font on this article, I would). It's been a while since my organic chemistry days.
Lighthouse? Check. Lots of paint cans strewn everywhere? Check.
This game reminds me of Myst. I tried to play that when I was ten or so. I was amazed by my uncle who seemed to play it without problem. I couldn't even figure out the controls. Now I'm a little more advanced. Dear Esther didn't prompt me with any "A/W/S/D to move", they wanted me to solve shit myself. Went into controls to alter the defaults (Just to see what the fuck each button does!). Apparently I can "swim up" so I tried walking into the water to test that. That was a world of confusion. THE Q. IT DOES NOTHING.
The writing and voice acting remind me of Colin Firth as Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudice. What he says is just a little bit long winded and never to the point. He's going to be a 13 year old fanfic writer and take the long winded route to tell you something. I almost expect, as I'm wandering along the cliffs, that the character will soon start telling me about the dustbowl conditions in the 30's and how he had to make rope by knotting together scraps of rags. And I shit you not, I've heard that story before.
Great he's talking about the bible now, like I've heard-- OH LOOK, A SHIPWRECK. The environment is a little distracting from the story for me. I tried wading out to the shipwreck and got about 80% there before I submerged. The water is pitch black and Q still doesn't do a thing. "Come back" whispers the narrator. I guess I'll land on shore and take off where I left off.
The only sign of life: a seagull and some ambiance piano music. This guy writes like a jaded teenager. "Dear Esther..."
Oh great, now I accidentally hit F7 instead of F6 after a load screen and now I get to hear that tearing teenage "Dear Esther" all over again. I'll end this here, Dear Readers.
Any recommendations for future Steam sales purchases?
Tiny Bang Story: 2 hours. No alcohol consumed.
Dear Esther: N hours. Lots more to be consumed as I continue to play.